Date #11- Stages

Hey… there isn’t much to say really.  I am still upset, but less upset than I was, which is a good thing.  I never would have thought this would have happened, but, “It tis what tis dharling,” as Zsa Zsa Gabor would say in her distinctive accent.  I haven’t spoken to Lee, I don’t intend to, and he hasn’t called.  I checked his Instagram account, which he deleted and re-activated under a different name.  The pics on there are exactly the same as before, just absent of parts of my body, thank God.

The last four weeks I have been asking my myself why he did it, but to hear the real answer, as opposed to my assumptions, would mean talking to him, and I am not about to do that anytime soon.  Putting this into perspective has made it easier; Lee posting those images of me wasn’t part of revenge porn, it wasn’t out of spite or to humiliate me.  I wasn’t identifiable, because my full face and body was never captured, and I am so grateful for this.  From his “artistic” perspective, it was a celebration of me through his eyes.  I get it, but it is still not okay.  He took pictures of me whilst I was sleeping.  The pictures can be classed as artistic, but they are still pictures of me, aspects of my body, taken without my knowledge, posted without my consent, and I don’t care, this is not okay.

The selfie craze coupled with artists and their barely covered bodies has meant that we are becoming more and more desensitized to shock.  What was once frowned upon, no longer batters an eye lid response.  I wonder if people empathise with my situation and would have reacted the same way, or am I over reacting from their perspective?  I don’t even know why I am thinking like this. Everything is subjective and other people’s views shouldn’t and doesn’t change how I feel.  I have a right to be angry, I am happy with how I reacted and Lee did take the piss.

I haven’t been on any other dates because I haven’t been in the mood.  This is my 11 month in my 12 months – 12 dates challenge and it has just flown by.  I didn’t expect to find someone within that time, it would have been nice.  My expectation was on myself to do more, do things differently to get a different outcome, and just be more proactive when seeing someone who looks intriguing, which I have done, so I am proud of myself.  This month I have just been focusing on myself.  I went back to the gym, had a couple of massages, caught up with the girls and just kicked back.  I also started a journal, this situation really hurt and I just needed to further process how this made me feel due to his actions; which was “intended celebration”.  However, masked in secrecy, it rendered me powerless due to lack of consent and made me feel like a piece of meat.  To others I’m sure I may be perceived as over-reacting, but even if you look at it it from the simplest view, which is he took intimate pictures of me and my body, without my knowledge or consent and posted them without my knowledge or consent, this is STILL wrong and definitely broke trust.  Communication and honesty is key in a relationship.  If you don’t have this, what is the point?

I am okay, a bit flat, but okay.  My homegirls Beverly Knight, Vivian Green, India Iria et al have been helping me out.  As you can see I went through the following stages…

THE HURTING STAGE

Vivian Greene – Emotional Rollercoster

Allure- All Cried Out

Brownstone -5 Miles To Empty

THE “WHATEVER MATE, YOU MISSED OUT” EGO STAGE

Something for the people – My Love Is The Shhhhh

THE WHO I AM REMINDER/SELF-WORTH BUILDING STAGE

Beverly Knight – Gold

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6d9B3qejKe0

THE ENTERTAINING/FLIRTING STAGE

Goapele – Hey Boy

THE ACKNOWLEDGING WHAT I WANT STAGE – DESIRE

India.Arie – Can I Walk With You

Hahahaha – see, my humor is still there!  I’m okay and soon will be back to my more than okay self 🙂

Copyright Naddine Bentley