‘The 5 Love Languages’ by Dr. Gary Chapman
Recently a friend introduced me to a book she had read that she felt helped her to understand the dynamics of making a love relationship/marriage work. After reading it I completely agree with her.
The book is called ‘The 5 Love Languages’ by Dr. Gary Chapman, and it just makes sense. According to Dr. Chapman, there are five main languages we use to express and feel love. They are: Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation and Acts of Service, and everyone uses one of these as their primary love language, whether or not they realise it yet. Prior to reading the book I thought that my primary language was Words of Affirmation. I mean, who doesn’t love to hear nice things said to them, right? But I’ve learned that it is in fact Quality Time, and this makes sense when I think back to the things I have complained about in the past when it comes to guys I’m seeing. Then I took the quick test online to see how the other languages relate to me, and in order they are:
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
I know there will be naysayers who think “Yeah yeah yeah, this is just another self-help relationship book advising men and women to play games with each other…” But no. There is no game playing involved at all, it literally helps you to understand how people are different, but it doesn’t mean they couldn’t work together. Trust me, I’ve read plenty of those other relationship books through the years and most of them don’t work. I’m not even slighty interested in game-playing or ways to trap a man. I want him to WANT me because he chooses to want me, based on who I’ve shown him I am. So…
What is your primary love language? Take the test and let me know your result! Even if just for a little bit of fun..
First published on Wendi B Writes
I was divorced 25 years ago and can only wish Dr. Chapman’s book was available. However, we have a tendency of overlook the other’s negative ways; at least I did. At the time, it was too easy to make excuses for her misbehaviour. Mind you, I was guilty of the aforementioned wayward ways, not physical but psychological and hurtful remarks.
Couples need to know in advance and not overlook problems, which we think sometimes will heal or are not important at the time; but they are. I spent too much trying to impress what a nice, agreeable, caring person I was. Honesty can be hurtful, but it’s better to be honest to yourself and the other person. You can’t sweep anything away and expect at sometime it will come back.